a baby story: positive?

I've talked before about how I wasn't sure I would be able to have kids and how we ended up on Clomid when we started trying. Because I assumed it would take awhile and was prepared for a year or two of pregnancy tests, I stocked up on those little pregnancy test strips like they use at the doctor's office. They cost around 15 cents each if you buy in bulk. So I did. 

Little did I know that I would use exactly one of those strips. I waited until the first day I was supposed to take a test. I'm a rule follower {surprised?!}, so I didn't try a day before or a day after. It was a Saturday and we were headed to breakfast with Paul's parents that morning.  I was literally taking the test as his parents were pulling onto our street. I really didn't think it would be positive but those two lines showed up so fast I barely had a second to think about the gravity of the moment. 


I looked at the strip. Looked at my face in the mirror. Looked at the strip. Looked at my stomach. Looked at the strip. And all I thought was, 'Oh my gosh. There's no turning back.' And immediately felt a love for a tiny person who wasn't a reality two seconds before. It was an excited, unbelievable, giddy, horrified, scared, ecstatic moment. So many emotions ran through me in the minutes after those two lines appeared. {I'm sure if Paul had been there he would have compared my face to the night we got engaged where he says my face went through 12 emotions in a second. His reenactment is actually pretty grotesque and I sincerely hope my face didn't truly look like that in a moment where I should have seemed really dreamy and in love. Anyways.} 


I wanted to run and tell Paul. I wanted to call my mom. I wanted to tell his parents. But I still didn't quite believe that it was true. And I wanted to be sure before I told Paul and got him all excited. So I decided to wait to tell him until after I saw my doctor. I put the positive test back with the other 30 unused strips as his parents pulled in to pick us up.  At breakfast, I ordered decaf coffee for the first time in my life. My sister came over that night for a movie night because Gabe was out of town. I don't remember what we watched but all I wanted to do was tell her that she would be an aunt. And, suddenly, I worried about every little thing--from my face wash being safe to use during pregnancy to which soft cheeses I needed to steer clear of. And wait. What? I can't eat hot dogs?! What in the world is listeria? And I shouldn't touch any cleaning chemicals, right?!  My mom always said I would know worry when I became a mother. And I'm a firm believer you become a mother long before a baby is born. I had never had something so wonderful to worry about it.